why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
