so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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