Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
