What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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