I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
