I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
