I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
