Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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