i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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