I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
