I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
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2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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