I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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