i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
