Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
