And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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