Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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