HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
