3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
