watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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