FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
