well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
