Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
