it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
