Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
