If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
