Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
