people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
