I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
