i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
