nut hugger
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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