Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
