I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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