Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
