dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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