rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
