oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
