Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
