I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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