If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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