There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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