I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
