my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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