did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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