So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
