The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
