he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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