I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
