I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
