If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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