I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
