Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
