worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
