worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
