I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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