the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
