saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
