I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
