take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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