There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
