Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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