kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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